Under My Umbrella-ella-ella

"Yo Snoop, I know being a certified gangster means that you can get people to do those things for you that a gangster should never have to do, like cooking, cleaning, anything that could make you look less than tough. But not holding up your own umbrella? Really though Snoop, really?"

"Darwin Was Right"

"In an ode to British scientist Charles Darwin's theory of Natural Selection two of the prettier people on the planet have decided to wed, as Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom announce that their engagement is indeed, official. Is it just me or does Miranda Bloom sound like a Porn Star's name? Really though Voyage of the Beagle? Hey Miranda how about letting me pollute your gene pool a bit before you give your life to fucking Disney World over there?"

"Now that deserves a facial tattoo. You hear me Lil Wayne?"

"What's with all the cannibalism of late? Instead of working on his cardiovascular endurance through exercise like a normal person a French convict recently ate his cellmate's lung in what some are speculating was an attempt to improve his time in the prison track meet in coming weeks by adding to his own lung capacity. Actually, the inept anatomist intended to eat his fellow prisoner's heart, and was horribly mistaken. Really though crazy French convict? Didn't you ever play Operation as a child?"

"I Guess BP Really Stands for Bad Press"

"An employee of the British oil giant, BP has recently claimed the company may have known about the faulty well before the spill. Now not only do they have to fend off the equivalent of the Spanish Inquisition because of their ambivalent response to the ecological disaster, but try to explain why they ruined an entire gulf because there was a press conference on the tele concerning Rio Ferdinand's captaincy of the english football side. Blackened wildlife, lost jobs, Dalmatian-like beaches, environmental connotations for generations... yes but we need to make it past the group of sixteen, Nigel, the bloody well will sort itself out...really though?"

"What Recession?: Kid Rock Spends $3000 at Strip Club"

"Seems like Kid Rock isn't quite over Pamela as he recently dropped 3 grand at a strip club. Apparently he's been hankering to look at disease ridden crotches and played out arm band tattoos. Not to mention more silicon than the entire Santa Clara Valley. Hey Kid, getting your monthly hepatitis shots is a neat hobby and all, but really though?"

There's Some Things You Just Shouldn't Buy Used

"I have to give this person credit for at least trying to make a little money off of a bad mistake. But I have one question for whoever was interested and took the contact info; really though?"

Their Secret? A Little Casear with a Side of Cobb.

"It's an unwritten rule in the world of professional athletics that the athletes are high demanding. And it's not surprising that World Cup players can be the most demanding of all. Brazil requires their hotel pool to be exactly ninety degrees, no more, no less. Slovakia wants ping pong tables and an electronic dartboard. For the most part these seem reasonable. I mean, the Brazilians are looking for ideal conditions to look after their sore, over-worked muscles and the Slovaks just want to relax. But I would like to pose a question to the members of the Argentinean football squad, who among their many other seemingly unnecessary demands, appear to have a need for fourteen, yes that's ten plus four, different types of salad. Are there even that many kinds of salad in existence? Really though?"

"A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti."

" A 26 Year old religious fanatic from the Ukraine, known only as Vlad, was taken into custody after he was found to have been cannibalizing his grandmother while she was still alive. I know food in the former USSR is notoriously bad but, really though? Perhaps they should have left the Berlin wall standing; certain Western phrases just don't translate well. Nana probably didn't know Vlad the Inhaler was going to take her sassy, "Eat Me!" so far. There's messed up and then there's..... really though?"

Say Cheese!

" What's wrong boys? I think you look great. Don't be upset just because you've been mistaken for guidos all night. They ain't got nothing on you. Really though?"

This one time, in college...

"Pfft. You think this impressive? The girl on her right could do the exact same thing and she was drinking wine. And these girls wonder why this doesn't get them more respect. Really though?"

Charlie Sheen Bashes Wife: Court Sentences Him to Mentor Young Actors. He's the half a man right?

" A Los Angeles court has sentenced Charlie Sheen to community service after he assaulted his wife on a recent ski trip in Colorado. Charlie is set to make up for his indiscretions by coaching young actors. In what, hooker selection? Hey kid, you're chopping that line all wrong. First of all don't use your license..are you daft? Use your gas card. Second, punch your wife in the ovary instead of the eye if at all possible, you don't want to be reminded of your own belligerence every time you look her in the face, and you really shouldn't reproduce. Hey justice system, fuck off. Also.... really though?"

Tom Cruise Erases Years of Bad Press With Engaging Performance at MTV Awards. Really Though?

" Critics are touting the MTV Awards as the wave of the future. After 18 years of pranks and immature stunts (see Baron-Cohen's ass in Marshall Mathers' face) many have begun to place the comparatively fledging award show on the same standing as the Oscars. Tom Cruise appeared as Les Grossman, his character from Tropic Thunder, and danced with J-Lo, apparently alleviating some of the awkwardness that has caused him to be shunned of late. My question is, will Meryl Streep and Helen Mirren please Jello wrestle at the next Oscars and make it even? Also, is Tom Cruise really okay again despite locking his wife in a closet of fear and sci-fi religious nonsense? Speaking of closets, Tom...really though?"

No Bhopal of Mine

" 25 years ago,  upwards of 25,000 people died in Bhopal, India after a gas leak. Today, after a quarter century of cries for justice, 8 people were sentenced to no more than 2 years in prison. It begs the question, if Charles Manson and his followers killed people softly with airborne chemicals, would he have been free to enjoy the free love of the 70s, and perhaps fulfill his dream of being a rock star? There's a bad case of gas, and then a case of bad gas. Really though?"

A Little Incestual, Don't You Think?

"To any mother who buys this shirt for their child, I would just like to point out the Oedipus complex you're fueling. A $15 tee could wind up costing you thousands in therapy to get to the root of your child's strange attachment to you long after the shirt is gone. Is that really a smart investment? Really though?"

Sometimes you just gotta go...

"I know walking is a lot of work, and getting on and off of your segway is a lot of unnecessary calorie burning especially if you're only getting off to make a quick pit stop, but really though?"

Ladies & Gentlemen- The Full Mickey

"Who knew that when Mickey and Minnie Mouse had a child it would turn out to be so, well, so adult? Really though?"

Got Rice?

"Have you ever gotten to work and realized, 'Damn- I forgot my lunch. Again.' Well now us females and appropriately endowed males needn't go hungry any longer. The Japanese have invented a bra that not only supports, but also grows...rice that is. For all you bra-burning feminists and the majority of the male population, don't worry, you won't starve. I'm sure they'll soon launch their new line of potato-growing underwear. Really though?"

Woof Woof *Kapow

"Have you ever heard the expression, 'Aw, he's so cute I could just punch him'? Probably not. A recently arrested car-thief must have heard this before though because he took it a bit too literally when the RCMP witnessed him actually punch a puppy. Really though?"

Porn Doesn't Always Have A Happy Ending

"A male porn star is wanted for the murder of one and injury of two of his co-workers after he snapped. Word on the street is that he used "deep thrusts" to kill one person and inflict "penetrating" wounds on the two others with his "machete". Who knew giving mustache rides all day could be so stressful? Really though?"

Hybrid? More Like HyDON'T.

"It's been a long time coming but I'm glad there's a place with some sense of decency. I mean what kind of world do we live in where fictional creatures like centaurs and mermaids are acceptable? Personally I was sick and tired of the Thundercats, I mean human-cat hybrids? Thank you Arizona, for reminding us that hybrids should stick to cars. Really though?"

" Yeah you're so fucking humble, Pitt."

"In a move to associate himself with things other than his stunning good looks, and ridculous physique, Brad Pitt has purchased the rights to Canadian writer Tom Rachman's, "The Imperfectionists." How very ironic Bradley. Really though, Benjamin Buttons, really?"

"Militants Attack Peace Conference Debating Whether or Not to Negotiate With Said Militants...Uhhh what's Arabic for Counter-Productive?"

" The thump of rockets and the rattle of gunfire punctuated President Hamid Karzai's speech opening a national conference Wednesday where delegates were divided over whether to negotiate peace with Taliban leaders to end nearly nine years of war. I guess they weren't so divided after that eh? So let me count the hands here..one...two..seven of you are willing to negotiate..that's great...BOOOOOM...oh for fuck sakes. Hey Taliban, I realize America's war mongering is passe, but really though?"

" 14 Year Old Boy Is Pervert...no but REALLY though."

" Police are questioning a 14 year old boy in relation to the sexual assault of two seniors at an extended care facility in Etobicoke, one of whom is 99 years old. I've heard of a fetish for "cougars" but that'd be more like a sabretooth tiger. Hey Pervo, I know girls your age are more concerned with Kristen Cavallari and Justin Beiber than 'getting down' but...really though?"