There's Something Fudgie Going On Here

"Remember the good ol' days when a kid could make a couple bucks without being hassled by the police? Apparently little Sally here sold almost an entire tray of brownies without a permit and therefore was forced to shut down. I guess you're going to have to take your extra special brownies somewhere else kid. Really though?"

Excuse Me Sir, But I Can See Your Package

"Too embarrassed to buy your own whack-off magazine? Well guess what. Now you don't have to worry about what people will think anymore. Just head to your nearest Walmart and pick up a pack of new underwear and you'll be set. You may be thinking; 'But that's not gonna get me off'; but you should think again. According to a pastor of New Hope Christian Center Church of God the pictures on these packages are pornographic in nature. The models are dressed in nothing but *gasp* underwear! Now that's hot. Better hurry and snatch up a couple varieties quickly though since the lewd bags have already been taken off the shelves in Cullman and your city could be next. Really though?"

"Get Your Shit Together (pun intended)"

"Canadian grocery giant Safeway has issued a recall on it's pre-packed romaine lettuce mixture, causing lazy salad-makers everywhere to absolutely vomit uncontrollably with anger. Apparently it's super hard to wash vegetables, and some e-coli has stumbled into your fridge. 'Shitty' deal fuckers, shoulda bought a god damn knife set and cut it yourself. I guess the 'colourful' in the product description applies to the many interesting hues you'll see in the toilet if you eat this filth and shout for ruth. Really though?"

"You Can Grease My Monkey"

"Holy fuck, who told this designer I secretly fantasize about sleeping with a mechanic who moonlights as a cicus clown and only has one pair of shoes? Really though?"

"Ankle Fetishists the World Over Are Salivating With Excitement"

"Remember when that girl you had a crush on in grade 4 grew like 5 inches and some boobs over the summer and the only thing that stopped her from being your first kiss in Grade 5 was the fact that she still wore her previous year's flare pants and you just couldn't help but ask her "Hey Penelope, where's the flood?" to a chorus of laughter from your jerkface friends? Apparently that is the upcoming trend in women's fashion, and for a measley $180.00 you too can enjoy the new "crop cut." Hey J-Brand, really fucking though?"

"Sex, Drugs and Fresh Spring Rolls"

"Another groundbreaking new study has uncovered the risks Chinese students staying in Canadian households hoping to get a better education, and learn English, are facing. As the catchy tagline states, "Asian homestay students are at risk of sex, drugs, abuse." This illuminating conclusion was jumped to, when an individual who had been housing and feeding one of said exchange students, noticed she was participating in (gasp) pre-marital sex at the tender age of 17. Though the minor student was staying in her household, this individual did not feel that "Putting meals on the table and supplying a warm bed entitled -- or even permitted-- the Vancouver woman to take the teen under her wing." I wonder if my mom sent me to live with a family who was unconcerned about how much time I spent with members of the opposite sex in my bedroom with strange, fragrant smoke billowing from out the door, whether I would take advantage of that? Suffice it to say I would be a cracked out hooker by now. Really though, unamed Vancouver woman, really?"

"Studies Show Teens Spend 7 Hours A Day In Front of TVs and Computers: See Prince..."

"A new study has showed that North American teens spend upwards of 7 hours a day in front of their TVs and computers. Brilliant researchers have concluded that this could potentially lead to physical and mental health problems. I just have a couple quick questions for these researches, if I may....The standard work day is 8 hours correct? Sorted. Quite a few of us spend all 8 of these hours in front of a computer, no? You probably did a lot of your research for this flabberghasting report on an abacus eh...wait...you used a computer you say...really though?"

"Maybe You Should Change Your Name to The Artist Formerly Known as Relevant"

"Prince recently claimed that the 'internet is completely over' and is refusing to release his upcoming album on I-Tunes, or any other online medium. He is also apparently quite incredulous about Youtube's less than stringent copyright controls, saying "if they can block porn, they can block copyrighted material." Number one, Professor Purple, your copyrighted material is borderline porn anyways, number two if you verify your age you can get all the Youtube porn you want, and number three, nobody under the age of 40 is going to be rushing onto their computer to rip off your "new" album anyways. Please feel free to fade into obscurity, sitting cross-legged on your big ass pile of money, or some sort of mouth shaped sofa, and leave the pretentiously prophetic proclaimations to someone a little more tech savvy, and perhaps born past 1960, and perhaps not horribly passe. Let's try to remember Prince for the talent he displayed in "Kiss" and not this feeble attempt to show how "above" the internet he is. Also....really though?"