" Question: How Do you Turn Leopard into Leper Without Changing Any Letters?"

"Answer: You wear these hideous sandals, and you'll most definitely be avoided by everyone with the ability to see. Are your cankles really that bad Tiffany? Really though?"

"I Bet The Teacher Will Run in to Issues When They Discuss Apollo 11"

"Okay, first of all move your eyes back up to this picture and let me know if there's still any residual doubt that Michael Jackson was the biological parent of these two children. I mean it's pretty clear by their complexions that he wasn't a weirdo collector of test tube children, and really just your average red-blooded American dad with one glove and big fuck off BBQ he brags about to his buddies. Also please picture if you will, the amount of work whoever teaches these kids is going to have to do to reverse all the delusional misconceptions they probably have. "Nuh uh, Neil Armstrong didn't walk on the moon first, my daddy did." or " No way, Peter Pan isn't fictional, it's my dad's autobiography." Oh dear, these poor little fellas, hopefully Janet or Tito can normal them up a bit. Hahahah doubtful. Is it really a good idea to introduce these Jackson's back into reality after a childhood spent tree-climbing in Neverland. Really though?"

"I Call Bull...get it?"

" In a recent interview, Dennis Rodman claims to have bedded over 2000 women. Following the trend of pro ballers talking about bouncing their balls, Dennis joins the ranks of Wilt Chamberlain, and Magic Johnson with his prolific skills in "taking it to the hole." Also known for cross-dressing, and once staging a sham wedding to himself in drag, I think Dennis may have actually said, "I've been in over 2000 women('s outfits)" but the last part of the sentence got muffled by that big, phallic cigar. Hey female population, or at least 2000 of you, really though?"

" Boehner Takes a Hard Stance"

" Republican House Leader John Boehner has called on President Obama to fire his economic team, saying White House economic policies have failed to get people back to work. Boehner is set to become the House Speaker if the Republicans win a majoity seat. Vice President Biden has rejected these claims saying Boehner is simply nostalgic and wishes to bring back the policies put in place by former President George W. Bush. Aside from the stupidity of bringing back anything to do with that gun-toting Texan, and implying that the world-wide economic collapse could be quickly fixed by replacing Obama's crew, let's all just say this out loud real quick, " Boehner likes Bush." C'mon, really though?"

A Run of Costco Cookies Has Been Recalled After They Were Found to Contain Metal..."

" I hear confessed sugar-fiend Lil' Wayne bought shares in an attempt to pull some strings and get some cookie sharpeners for his grill. Another escape plan foiled for Weezy or are these companies just daft?. I'd really like to know how this happens? "Oh we made a batch of robot cookies this morning." Really though? "

In This "Brave New World" I've Got One Thing To Say: "Hey Big Brother, Fuck Off"

"A Vaughan teen was charged with careless driving after bragging on facebook that he went 60 mph over the speed limit. Luckily no one took me seriously when I said my car was faster than the Bat-mobile. Really though Commissioner?"

Hopefully They Don't Wear Kilts

"AD- Scottish dance studio offers pole dancing to children as young as six; for more experienced students there is an afternoon class teaching skills in coke snorting and raising babies at 16 all while studying for your masters. Really though?"

Something Doesn't Quite Look Right

"Whoever built this seems to have misunderstood the concept of 'flipping' a house. Really though?"

If I Was President..

"Wyclef once sang; 'If I was president, I'd get elected on Friday, assassinated on Saturday and buried on Sunday'. Is someone whose gonna copout within the first 24 hours really someone who you want to run your country Haiti? Really though?"