Got Rice?

"Have you ever gotten to work and realized, 'Damn- I forgot my lunch. Again.' Well now us females and appropriately endowed males needn't go hungry any longer. The Japanese have invented a bra that not only supports, but also grows...rice that is. For all you bra-burning feminists and the majority of the male population, don't worry, you won't starve. I'm sure they'll soon launch their new line of potato-growing underwear. Really though?"

Woof Woof *Kapow

"Have you ever heard the expression, 'Aw, he's so cute I could just punch him'? Probably not. A recently arrested car-thief must have heard this before though because he took it a bit too literally when the RCMP witnessed him actually punch a puppy. Really though?"

Porn Doesn't Always Have A Happy Ending

"A male porn star is wanted for the murder of one and injury of two of his co-workers after he snapped. Word on the street is that he used "deep thrusts" to kill one person and inflict "penetrating" wounds on the two others with his "machete". Who knew giving mustache rides all day could be so stressful? Really though?"

Hybrid? More Like HyDON'T.

"It's been a long time coming but I'm glad there's a place with some sense of decency. I mean what kind of world do we live in where fictional creatures like centaurs and mermaids are acceptable? Personally I was sick and tired of the Thundercats, I mean human-cat hybrids? Thank you Arizona, for reminding us that hybrids should stick to cars. Really though?"

" Yeah you're so fucking humble, Pitt."

"In a move to associate himself with things other than his stunning good looks, and ridculous physique, Brad Pitt has purchased the rights to Canadian writer Tom Rachman's, "The Imperfectionists." How very ironic Bradley. Really though, Benjamin Buttons, really?"

"Militants Attack Peace Conference Debating Whether or Not to Negotiate With Said Militants...Uhhh what's Arabic for Counter-Productive?"

" The thump of rockets and the rattle of gunfire punctuated President Hamid Karzai's speech opening a national conference Wednesday where delegates were divided over whether to negotiate peace with Taliban leaders to end nearly nine years of war. I guess they weren't so divided after that eh? So let me count the hands here..one...two..seven of you are willing to negotiate..that's great...BOOOOOM...oh for fuck sakes. Hey Taliban, I realize America's war mongering is passe, but really though?"

" 14 Year Old Boy Is Pervert...no but REALLY though."

" Police are questioning a 14 year old boy in relation to the sexual assault of two seniors at an extended care facility in Etobicoke, one of whom is 99 years old. I've heard of a fetish for "cougars" but that'd be more like a sabretooth tiger. Hey Pervo, I know girls your age are more concerned with Kristen Cavallari and Justin Beiber than 'getting down' but...really though?"